The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
