do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
