i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
