I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
