you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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