woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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