Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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