she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
