mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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