If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
