I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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