i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Randomize
