Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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