Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
