so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
