I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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