In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
