Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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