she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
