u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
