I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
All I want is dick and wine.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
