this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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