We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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