I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize