If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
