I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
