are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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