Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
