I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
