so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
