My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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