never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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