I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
