are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
