you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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