I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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