Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize