The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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