Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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