At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize