I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
