I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
