Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
