Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
