when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
