Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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