The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
