If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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