I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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