My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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