Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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