Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
