Duck Duck Cougar?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
