I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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