Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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