hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
