I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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