ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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