Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
